Relationship Problems – what’s really going on?

Relationship counselling is often sought when a relationship breaks down. Relationship problems happen for a variety of reasons but invariably a couple reach an impasse where their shared vision of a future no longer exists.  Communication difficulties are often the cause of one or either partner wondering how things can go from 'seemingly good' to 'intolerable'.  If each individual is not able to communicate their needs to each other whilst anticipating the other's needs, then each partner is living in a inauthentic situation where each is second guessing what is going on. 

Myths or unquestioned assumptions often prevail in relationships, identified by phrases like

• you should do this
• that's what couples do
• it's only reasonable to expect someone to do this

In relationships, assumptions are often made through the veil of our own perceptions and when our partner doesn't act in accordance with them, we often feel let down or cheated when in fact it was our own fantasy of what they were like or how we think they should behave.  Good communication occurs when each individual is able to identify and communicate what they want to convey whilst at the same time exploring real meanings behind what their partner is saying.

Each partner has different strategies for coping with relationship difficulties.  Often one partner closes down, refusing to speak to the other other until they are clear in their own mind what they think.  If this need for temporary silence is not communicated, the other becomes angry or frustrated and the situation gets worse.  Relationship difficulties present an opportunity for 'breakthrough' or 'breakdown'.  Seeking the help of a skilled facilitator can get people beyond the impasse towards creating a relationship that is truly enriching and supportive – whether it is with one's existing partner or one in the future.

Stress and anxiety – is it contagious?

Stress and anxiety symptoms seem almost to be reaching epidemic proportions.  People are complaining of exhaustion, overwhelm, sleep problems and a host of physical and psychological symptoms that indicate they just can't cope. How do we deal with the symptoms of anxiety in and stress in a world where coping is considered desirable attributes.  More importantly, how can we identify and address the causes of stress.  Even when we make changes to our own lives, it seems that our fast-paced environment makes stress and anxiety almost contagious. The demands of others, the endless stream of emails and messages and a nagging question of whether we are really living our lives as we wish – all these contribute to a sense of overwhelm, stress and anxiety.  We wonder when the tipping point will come and how we can change our lives without giving up much of what we have worked so hard to achieve.

As a psychologist, I observe many differences in how people cope with the demands of modern living.  I have wondered for some some time what the differences between those who cope and those who don't.  Better time management, social support, positive thinking, clear goals, personality attributes do make differences but they are not consistent.  What is consistent is something about the alignment of one's values with how they are living their lives. In short, when we live out of integrity with what is important to us, we become stressed. When we are in alignment, we are somehow able to navigate external demands and ensure we are living 'on purpose'.  The outcome is less stress.  When we are out of alignment, external influences impact greatly, making stress and anxiety almost contagious.  No amount of time management will remove our stress or provide stress relief – we have to deal with the cause and ensure we are taking full responsibility for our part in creating our lives.

Therapy for Relationship Problems

Many people seek help for relationship and marital challenges and there are many reasons couples find themselves constantly disagreeing and in conflict.  Therapy can be particularly helpful to a couple since it focuses on the ‘relationship’ dynamics as well as the individual differences and perceptions of what is going on and what each person wants their life and relationship to be about.

Couples seeking counselling help ask typical questions wondering what happens in a couples sessions.  Therapy or Counselling involves regular sessions in which a skilled psychologist or counsellor sets a framework within which each person can share with their partner how they see the relationship.  The psychologist or counsellor facilitates them communicating clearly and provides them with skills to communicate their perspective more clearly as well as ask questions of each other to clarify understanding.
Each relationship is different and over time as each person grows, misunderstandings can develop and new ways must be found to accommodate individual changes into the relationship. Therapy and counselling provide the environment in which this can be done effectively.