Toxic relationships and how to change them

Toxic relationships are characterized by bitterness, resentment, compromise, conflict and ultimately do not serve any of the people in them. They occur in friendships, intimate relationships, families and in the workplace. They are toxic because they result in people feeling sick, abused, diminished and generally powerless. Toxic relationships continue to exist often because the behaviour of the individual or individuals, which is abusive, is regularly accompanied by periods of regret, apology, good times and romantic courting. When people take time to identify the patterns of these relationships, they learn that unless some fundamental changes are made in the ‘system’ between the participants, the cycle will always continue. Identifying the stages of your particular pattern is essential if you are to change the pattern, address the issue of a particular toxic relationship and ultimately choose whether to leave and create more harmonious relationships. You must know that leaving a toxic relationship without leaving a toxic pattern only provides temporary respite; unhealthy patterns always continue until the pattern is released and changed. That is why similar relationships continue even though the particular person is no longer in your life.

Fear of disappointing others

Many people fear disappointing others and find themselves caught in a perpetual state of turmoil, anxiety and stress.  It may be due to very low self-esteem with an individual feeling they are not good enough with anything they do for others simply not valued.  Others may be facing choices they believe conflict with others’ expectations and, if voiced, will raise conflict and misunderstanding.  The person fearing that they are or will disappoint others, will eventually become depressed since there is a price to pay for not speaking our truth and living in accordance with our values.

If you are facing a choice you fear will disappoint others, I suggest you seek help to work through the pros and cons of the choice.  There are always consequences to our actions – there is a cost for speaking out or acting but there is also a cost for not.   If you have such low self-esteem that you fear your are worthless to others, I encourage you to seek assistance in changing your self-image since a life lived without self-respect and care is one led in quiet desperation.

Divorce – can you live with you?

Divorce means different things to different people but my experience shows that for the people involved, something changes dramatically within them after the experience. Whatever the reasons for marrying, there must have been the belief that it was a desirable institution and therefore associated with beliefs, dreams, expectations and desires. Divorce not only ends the existing relationship but challenges the partners to re-think their beliefs and is a reminder of uncertainty and change.

If those involved in divorce take the time to evaluate these changes, they can learn the most important lesson for creating satisfying relationships with others – that we must each learn to like ourselves and live in harmony with ourselves. It is only then that a person can truly form satisfying relationships with others and others will be attracted to them since they believe themselves to be valuable. Divorce therefore challenges a person to learn to live with yourself rather than rushing to find another person theybelieve will make them happy. No one can make you happy nor are other people responsible for your happiness. This responsibility lies with you.