Relationship Problems – what’s really going on?

Relationship counselling is often sought when a relationship breaks down. Relationship problems happen for a variety of reasons but invariably a couple reach an impasse where their shared vision of a future no longer exists.  Communication difficulties are often the cause of one or either partner wondering how things can go from 'seemingly good' to 'intolerable'.  If each individual is not able to communicate their needs to each other whilst anticipating the other's needs, then each partner is living in a inauthentic situation where each is second guessing what is going on. 

Myths or unquestioned assumptions often prevail in relationships, identified by phrases like

• you should do this
• that's what couples do
• it's only reasonable to expect someone to do this

In relationships, assumptions are often made through the veil of our own perceptions and when our partner doesn't act in accordance with them, we often feel let down or cheated when in fact it was our own fantasy of what they were like or how we think they should behave.  Good communication occurs when each individual is able to identify and communicate what they want to convey whilst at the same time exploring real meanings behind what their partner is saying.

Each partner has different strategies for coping with relationship difficulties.  Often one partner closes down, refusing to speak to the other other until they are clear in their own mind what they think.  If this need for temporary silence is not communicated, the other becomes angry or frustrated and the situation gets worse.  Relationship difficulties present an opportunity for 'breakthrough' or 'breakdown'.  Seeking the help of a skilled facilitator can get people beyond the impasse towards creating a relationship that is truly enriching and supportive – whether it is with one's existing partner or one in the future.

Therapy for Relationship Problems

Many people seek help for relationship and marital challenges and there are many reasons couples find themselves constantly disagreeing and in conflict.  Therapy can be particularly helpful to a couple since it focuses on the ‘relationship’ dynamics as well as the individual differences and perceptions of what is going on and what each person wants their life and relationship to be about.

Couples seeking counselling help ask typical questions wondering what happens in a couples sessions.  Therapy or Counselling involves regular sessions in which a skilled psychologist or counsellor sets a framework within which each person can share with their partner how they see the relationship.  The psychologist or counsellor facilitates them communicating clearly and provides them with skills to communicate their perspective more clearly as well as ask questions of each other to clarify understanding.
Each relationship is different and over time as each person grows, misunderstandings can develop and new ways must be found to accommodate individual changes into the relationship. Therapy and counselling provide the environment in which this can be done effectively.

Toxic relationships and how to change them

Toxic relationships are characterized by bitterness, resentment, compromise, conflict and ultimately do not serve any of the people in them. They occur in friendships, intimate relationships, families and in the workplace. They are toxic because they result in people feeling sick, abused, diminished and generally powerless. Toxic relationships continue to exist often because the behaviour of the individual or individuals, which is abusive, is regularly accompanied by periods of regret, apology, good times and romantic courting.

When people take time to identify the patterns of these relationships, they learn that unless some fundamental changes are made in the ‘system’ between the participants, the cycle will always continue. Identifying the stages of your particular pattern is essential if you are to change the pattern, address the issue of a particular toxic relationship and ultimately choose whether to leave and create more harmonious relationships. You must know that leaving a toxic relationship without leaving a toxic pattern only provides temporary respite; unhealthy patterns always continue until the pattern is released and changed. That is why similar relationships continue even though the particular person is no longer in your life.