Toxic Relationships – Doomed or Redeemable?

Toxic relationships are those where there is animosity, anger, bitterness and resentments.  They occur for many reasons but they are always damaging to the partners involved.  These relationships continue for many reasons; the partners are addicted to a yo-yo pattern of bitterness and resentments accompanied by periods of romantic make-ups.  Others exist because one or both partners have such low self esteem that they secretly morbidly fear being alone.

Guilt, blame and anger only escalate where problems are not resolved and healthy boundaries and rules re-established.  If you recognise your relationship as being toxic,  it is wise to find out why you are staying in a relationship that is so negative.   Without proper resolution, the partners always go on to become more anxious, resentful and suffer physical as well as psychological ill-health.

Stages of Grief

Grief is an excruciating experience and unravelling the complex feelings is challenging.   There do tend to be different stages through which someone goes after losing a loved one – even if the relationship was challenging or conflictual.

Generally, the stages are as follows:  Shock, Disbelief, Anger, Resolution

The shock that someone has died even exists if the person was ill for some time.  During this time it is normal to feel numb and without feeling.  Disbelief sets in as you just can’s take in the reality of your loss. People can get stuck in ‘Disbelief’ for months or even years when the grief is complicated, resulting in a dissociation from reality.  Anger arises in all grief (even if not immediately) – sometimes at the person for dying, doctors for not doing their part or at yourself for how you could have created a better relationship with the person.

There is no timetable for grief.  People move through the stages at very different paces.  Grief is also complicated as it triggers earlier losses not properly dealt with.  It is greatly complicated when it occurs out of what believe is the Natural Order ie. when a child dies, someone is killed by the wreckless behaviour of another or where someone is murdered.  Resolution is only possible when the feelings, beliefs and reactions have been worked through and you are able to move on.  This not only takes time, it takes focused effort.

Grief counselling is an important investment of your time to avoid you withdrawing from the world or raging at it with anger.  Grief counselling also encourages you to ask bigger questions about what your life is about and what you want to make of it.  These are important existential questions.

Anger Management

Anger Management is a process through which a person learns strategies and techniques to deal more constructively with their anger.  The client works with a skilled practitioner to help them recognise the triggers and signs that result in their anger.  They are then taught strategies to intervene in displaying angry reactions which injure themselves or others.  Time is taken to explore the impact of your anger on others and how it negatively impacts on your life.

Treatment should always include an exploration of what your anger is all about.  This might sound strange (surely techniques to avoid it are enough?) but with uncontrollable anger or verbal or physical abuse of other people, identifying what ‘fuels’ the anger is important.  It is thus important to look at the causes of your anger as well as the symptoms.  By identifying the source of your anger,  uncontrollable anger can be experienced differently and demonstrated more constructively without harming others.