Divorce and women in their twenties

Divorce when one is young seems to be influenced by factors that are not so influential in older groups.  Women in their twenties divorcing are often criticised for being unable to commit, having too much choice or simply being unable to share with another person.  It is my expereince that a major factor influencing young people contemplating divorce relates to beliefs they have about life possibilities they deemed were not available in earlier times.

When I ask a client facing divorce in their younger years for their reasons, a similar story emerges.  They simply do not want to do what they believed or witnessed their mothers and grandmothers doing – namely, conforming to social and cultural expectations of how women should be in marriage and society.  They report that their role models often ‘put up with‘ a less-than-desirable life because they believed they should.  As to whether this was the case for their own mothers and grandmothers, is not important – their beliefs in what happened is formed from many sources.  Younger women are simply not prepared to do this and will make the necessary changes to protect themselves from the pain of future regret.

Divorce – can you live with you?

Divorce means different things to different people but my experience shows that for the people involved, something changes dramatically within them after the experience. Whatever the reasons for marrying, there must have been the belief that it was a desirable institution and therefore associated with beliefs, dreams, expectations and desires. Divorce not only ends the existing relationship but challenges the partners to re-think their beliefs and is a reminder of uncertainty and change.

If those involved in divorce take the time to evaluate these changes, they can learn the most important lesson for creating satisfying relationships with others – that we must each learn to like ourselves and live in harmony with ourselves. It is only then that a person can truly form satisfying relationships with others and others will be attracted to them since they believe themselves to be valuable. Divorce therefore challenges a person to learn to live with yourself rather than rushing to find another person theybelieve will make them happy. No one can make you happy nor are other people responsible for your happiness. This responsibility lies with you.

Getting Divorced? End of the Road or Turning the Corner?

Divorce - end or bend in the road?

Divorce – the end of a legal contract of marriage between two people is an experience  unique to the individuals involved.  Some people feel devastated, abandoned, fearful, lonely, angry and left feeling that everything has lost purpose and meaning. For others, divorce offers relief after a lengthy breakdown with a sense of new opportunity and beginnings.  Whatever the response (there are as many as there are individuals), a person invariably feels alone, struggling with the complex layers of attachments, beliefs and feelings within themselves – yet alone when they try to explain them to others. Other people will only see it from their perspective – which may be very different from yours.

Regardless of a person’s unique subjective experiences, divorce forces an individual to embrace the reality that the world has changed; not only practically, emotionally or maybe financially but in how they see everything - themselves, the world, others, beliefs and what life is all about.  For example, if previously, you held the belief ‘Marriage is for Life’ and yours is now over, you come up against the reality that your choices are limited by the choices of others.   By working through these difficult feelings and reflecting on what is important to you, you can learn to live to be centred and not destroyed by external events – but see them as the uncertainty of life.  How you deal with these changes is key.

Divorce can be the end of the road or time to turn the corner – and who knows what is around the next bend?