Stages of Grief

Grief is a painful and provocative experience that, in my experience, no-one can prepare for.  Grief is primarily the experience that occurs when we lose someone to death but grief is also experienced through major life changes.  This is because we are faced with huge emotional and existential challenges about how we see ourselves, others and our world. However, losing someone to death is a particularly difficult emotion – we are reminded of the finality of our existence  and have to live with the real absence of the person we are grieving.

Whilst there are stages to the grief process, a person rarely works through them in a linear fashion.  Generally, the stages are Disbelief, Anger, Depression and Recovery.  Grief is further complicated by other losses which haven’t been properly processed.  It is as if grief becomes greater with every new loss, if earlier losses haven’t been worked through sufficiently.

Grief counselling is an invaluable part of healing – allowing the person left behind with an opportunity to process difficult thoughts and feelings.  Resolution is possible but not without working through hidden as well as obvious emotions the person is feeling.

Losing a Loved One – Handling the Grief

Losing a loved one can be one of the most painful experiences that human beings face, especially if your connection with the person who has died was particularly close, significant or leaves you without a support network within which to seek support.  Different challenges exist if the relationship with the person who has died, was problematic or even abusive.  Either way, grief  will arise at some stage, either for the loss of the person themself or at the lack of relationship you desired.

Grief has no timetable – it can appear almost immediately after a death or months or even years later.  Some people are so numbed by loss that they seem to feel nothing.  However, in my experience as a psychologist and counsellor,  grief will appear at some stage.

Grief does appear to have stages – although we do not seem to work through them in linear ways.   Instead we dive in and out of earlier stages before we come through the other end.  Those stages broadly are Disbelief, Anger, Depression and Recovery.

Grief Counselling can help you work through the complex feelings and reactions to loss and avoid grief becoming compounded by the process being avoided.  Death is a part of life and the more we can learn to integrate this important experience in our lives, the more we can ensure we live in ways that are fulfilling and purposeful.

Stages of Grief

Grief is an excruciating experience and unravelling the complex feelings is challenging.   There do tend to be different stages through which someone goes after losing a loved one – even if the relationship was challenging or conflictual.

Generally, the stages are as follows:  Shock, Disbelief, Anger, Resolution

The shock that someone has died even exists if the person was ill for some time.  During this time it is normal to feel numb and without feeling.  Disbelief sets in as you just can’s take in the reality of your loss. People can get stuck in ‘Disbelief’ for months or even years when the grief is complicated, resulting in a dissociation from reality.  Anger arises in all grief (even if not immediately) – sometimes at the person for dying, doctors for not doing their part or at yourself for how you could have created a better relationship with the person.

There is no timetable for grief.  People move through the stages at very different paces.  Grief is also complicated as it triggers earlier losses not properly dealt with.  It is greatly complicated when it occurs out of what believe is the Natural Order ie. when a child dies, someone is killed by the wreckless behaviour of another or where someone is murdered.  Resolution is only possible when the feelings, beliefs and reactions have been worked through and you are able to move on.  This not only takes time, it takes focused effort.

Grief counselling is an important investment of your time to avoid you withdrawing from the world or raging at it with anger.  Grief counselling also encourages you to ask bigger questions about what your life is about and what you want to make of it.  These are important existential questions.