Losing a Loved One – Handling the Grief

Losing a loved one can be one of the most painful experiences that human beings face, especially if your connection with the person who has died was particularly close, significant or leaves you without a support network within which to seek support.  Different challenges exist if the relationship with the person who has died, was problematic or even abusive.  Either way, grief  will arise at some stage, either for the loss of the person themself or at the lack of relationship you desired.

Grief has no timetable – it can appear almost immediately after a death or months or even years later.  Some people are so numbed by loss that they seem to feel nothing.  However, in my experience as a psychologist and counsellor,  grief will appear at some stage.

Grief does appear to have stages – although we do not seem to work through them in linear ways.   Instead we dive in and out of earlier stages before we come through the other end.  Those stages broadly are Disbelief, Anger, Depression and Recovery.

Grief Counselling can help you work through the complex feelings and reactions to loss and avoid grief becoming compounded by the process being avoided.  Death is a part of life and the more we can learn to integrate this important experience in our lives, the more we can ensure we live in ways that are fulfilling and purposeful.

Stages of Grief

Grief is an excruciating experience and unravelling the complex feelings is challenging.   There do tend to be different stages through which someone goes after losing a loved one – even if the relationship was challenging or conflictual.

Generally, the stages are as follows:  Shock, Disbelief, Anger, Resolution

The shock that someone has died even exists if the person was ill for some time.  During this time it is normal to feel numb and without feeling.  Disbelief sets in as you just can’s take in the reality of your loss. People can get stuck in ‘Disbelief’ for months or even years when the grief is complicated, resulting in a dissociation from reality.  Anger arises in all grief (even if not immediately) – sometimes at the person for dying, doctors for not doing their part or at yourself for how you could have created a better relationship with the person.

There is no timetable for grief.  People move through the stages at very different paces.  Grief is also complicated as it triggers earlier losses not properly dealt with.  It is greatly complicated when it occurs out of what believe is the Natural Order ie. when a child dies, someone is killed by the wreckless behaviour of another or where someone is murdered.  Resolution is only possible when the feelings, beliefs and reactions have been worked through and you are able to move on.  This not only takes time, it takes focused effort.

Grief counselling is an important investment of your time to avoid you withdrawing from the world or raging at it with anger.  Grief counselling also encourages you to ask bigger questions about what your life is about and what you want to make of it.  These are important existential questions.

Coping with Grief

Coping with grief and the loss of a loved one can be an excruciating experience.  However much a person feels prepared for someone close to them to die (particularly the case if there has been a long illness), the disbelief, shock, anger and debilitating sadness is inevitable.

It is my experience working with clients over the years that ‘Grief has no Timetable’. Although there are stages through which people go, when this happens is not predictable.  Some people are so numbed by the loss that they withdraw from feeling anything, only to find years later that they are overwhelmed with it.  This often happens with subsequent loss – it is as if a new loss triggers unresolved feelings about previous losses.

Grief counselling can help you cope with the loss and deal with the complicated feelings towards the person.  Sometimes the relationship with the person who has died was complicated and even abusive or unhappy.  Whatever the relationship, dealing with your grief so you can make sense of your relationship with them will help you move forward in a renewed way.