Divorce when one is young seems to be influenced by factors that are not so influential in older groups. Women in their twenties divorcing are often criticised for being unable to commit, having too much choice or simply being unable to share with another person. It is my expereince that a major factor influencing young people contemplating divorce relates to beliefs they have about life possibilities they deemed were not available in earlier times.
When I ask a client facing divorce in their younger years for their reasons, a similar story emerges. They simply do not want to do what they believed or witnessed their mothers and grandmothers doing – namely, conforming to social and cultural expectations of how women should be in marriage and society. They report that their role models often ‘put up with‘ a less-than-desirable life because they believed they should. As to whether this was the case for their own mothers and grandmothers, is not important – their beliefs in what happened is formed from many sources. Younger women are simply not prepared to do this and will make the necessary changes to protect themselves from the pain of future regret.
Divorce means different things to different people but my experience shows that for the people involved, something changes dramatically within them after the experience. Whatever the reasons for marrying, there must have been the belief that it was a desirable institution and therefore associated with beliefs, dreams, expectations and desires. Divorce not only ends the existing relationship but challenges the partners to re-think their beliefs and is a reminder of uncertainty and change.
If those involved in divorce take the time to evaluate these changes, they can learn the most important lesson for creating satisfying relationships with others – that we must each learn to like ourselves and live in harmony with ourselves. It is only then that a person can truly form satisfying relationships with others and others will be attracted to them since they believe themselves to be valuable. Divorce therefore challenges a person to learn to live with yourself rather than rushing to find another person theybelieve will make them happy. No one can make you happy nor are other people responsible for your happiness. This responsibility lies with you.
Relationship break ups occur for many reasons but almost invariably occurs when communication has broken down to the point when the parties are unable to convey what they mean and have it understood, and be able to understand or accept their partner’s perspective. Romantic relationships are particularly prone to myths – unquestioned assumptions and expectations of how you want ‘your relationship’ to be. When your partner or your life with them doesn’t turn out how you have expected, it can cause alarm, criticism, blame and disappointment.
Your relationship is unique. You and your partner are unique and your interaction is unique. Applying socially or culturally defined expectations of how your relationship should be, only serves to disappoint the participants. You have to choose what you each want – even if some of those things reflect what we believe other relationships have – much of this is myth and fantasy – the belief in the ‘normal’ relationship. When you only see your partner through those myths, you take the risk of not seeing the person – instead, a projection of your stereotypes of what they should be. The road to recovery or resolution can be to ’see’ the other and yourself with ‘fresh eyes’. i.e. the unique individuals you are.
Relationships | Clare | 
April 30, 2010 7:09 pm | 
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