Breaking up is hard to do – as the song goes. Complex feelings, thoughts and experiences accompany a break-up. These need to be made sense of since much of the yo-yo-ing that occurs in relationships is due to fear, panic and lack of trust in yourself about what is the best thing for you. In long-term relationships it can be hard to break-up since there seems to be so much investment – and yet the relationship may be negative for both parties and result in resentment and blame. Irrespective of the time involved, breaking up when one partner would prefer the relationship to continue, can be very challenging. The person leaving often feels guilty and resentful and the one being left feels abandoned, angry and fearful of the future.
How do you navigate your break – up? Whether you desire it or not? Remember one thing. There was a time when you didn’t know your partner. You lived and experienced ‘you’ as ‘in the world’ without them. Stop and remember this. In other words, there is a ‘you’ separate from your partner – and many of other people of course that you once didn’t know – and you existed without them. It is this ‘you’ that you want to make a very close relationship with at this time.
Seeking help to help you rediscover ‘you’ is essential – whether in the form of self-help books or groups, time out or counselling. You can become empowered to create a good life – with or without – your existing partner. You will also be a wonderful example to others – including your children – of taking responsibility for your life and not becoming a victim of circumstances.
Personality differences are often blamed for why couples have conflict in their relationships. What exactly are personality differences and do they matter? ‘Personality’ is the enduring characteristics of an individual that make them recognisable over time and situation. Personality measures identify and highlight specific traits or when in combination, a personality type.
Relationship differences?
These differences can cause couples challenges as individuals may see the world very differently and as a result, behave very differently. For example, imagine someone prefers things to be organised and arranged well in advance vs their partner who prefers to be spontaneous. Such differences can result in blame or criticism from either partner who implores the other person to be different. However, if their behaviour is typical and natural for them, then changing is like asking them to write with their other hand.
If you find that you and your partner battle over seemingly very different ways to doing things, take time out to explore how each of you do things. Avoid getting caught up in the actual problem (e.g. the event you are planning), instead, focus on understanding each other’s way of doing things. Adjustments can then be made to accommodate each other’s needs without compromising who each of you are. Personality differences ten offer an opportunity for each person to grow in a relationship.
Divorce - end or bend in the road?
Divorce – the end of a legal contract of marriage between two people is an experience unique to the individuals involved. Some people feel devastated, abandoned, fearful, lonely, angry and left feeling that everything has lost purpose and meaning. For others, divorce offers relief after a lengthy breakdown with a sense of new opportunity and beginnings. Whatever the response (there are as many as there are individuals), a person invariably feels alone, struggling with the complex layers of attachments, beliefs and feelings within themselves – yet alone when they try to explain them to others. Other people will only see it from their perspective – which may be very different from yours.
Regardless of a person’s unique subjective experiences, divorce forces an individual to embrace the reality that the world has changed; not only practically, emotionally or maybe financially but in how they see everything - themselves, the world, others, beliefs and what life is all about. For example, if previously, you held the belief ‘Marriage is for Life’ and yours is now over, you come up against the reality that your choices are limited by the choices of others. By working through these difficult feelings and reflecting on what is important to you, you can learn to live to be centred and not destroyed by external events – but see them as the uncertainty of life. How you deal with these changes is key.
Divorce can be the end of the road or time to turn the corner – and who knows what is around the next bend?
Relationships | Clare Mann | 
February 24, 2010 8:45 am | 
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