Mid life crisis – A male phenomenon?

Midlife crisis is the term given to typical feelings, thoughts and ‘out of character’ behaviour associated with men entering a particular life stage.  It generally occurs between 45 and 55 and how it is generalised ignores the very personal experience of someone asking them self ‘What am I doing with my life? How has it passed by so quickly?’  Typically, men  are criticised as being ones who suffer from mid life crisis and the criticism or ridicule negates the phenomena being examined openly by sufferers and their families.  Typical behaviours associated with mid life crisis are:  increased interest in appearance and younger women despite marital status; becoming adventurous in new and typically macho activities e.g. adventure sports or fast driving;  extravagant spending on new cars, gadgets or clothing to increase interest by the opposite sex and increased risk taking in all aspects of life.

What is mid life crisis and is a male phenomenon?  Over the years, many of my clients report entering the mid life crisis.  For some, they feel relieved as if their behaviour can be explained as being normal and temporary;  for others, they feel trivialised, believing that others are not taking their painful and real reflections of life seriously .  My experience has revealed overall that men report feeling the mid life crisis more than women.  I believe this is for two reasons.  The first is that literature mainly refers to men as sufferers and thus it becomes associated with men.  Secondly, women seek out closer and sustained relationships with other women where they discuss their emotions regularly.  This means that their questions about the quality of their lives and what they want are not bottled up – instead they address them regularly and so do not become overwhelmed with them suddenly.

Midlife Crisis – Concern vs Opportunity to Live Life?

When we hear the term Midlife Crisis, a wry smile crosses many people’s faces as enormous assumptions arise regarding typical behaviour associated with the person in crisis. Assumptions relate to the subject normally being male, seemingly seeking freedom, relinquishing their responsibilities of work and family, seeking a new or younger partner or splashing out on a new car. However, behind these pejorative assumptions, what it is about the type of behaviour that labels it as Crisis? Are the assumptions that it is somehow inappropriate, ridiculous and amusing further limiting our potential to see the situation objectively or with fresh eyes? What if stereotypical behaviour masked a greater yearning which had been suppressed in earlier years with activities and responsibilities, yet if acknowledged, might have resulted in the person choosing a different path?

Many of my clients are troubled and overwhelmed by what they consider is their ‘midlife crisis’? They struggle with the desire for something new whilst feel guilty walking away from their responsibilities.   By taking time out to talk in confidence about their predicament, many of my clients have gone on to live tremendously enriching lives – without guilt – whether with their existing partners or not.  Those those trivialise their complex reactions and believe it will pass, only delay the problem which comes back later, insisting on being addressed.

Mid Life Crisis?

Mid life crisis is often blamed for sudden shifts in behaviour of people of a certain age – generally men.

It is assumed that changes are due to awareness of one’s age, questioning life’s meaning and panic over dwindling life opportunities. Because it occurs during the 40/50s age group, the individual often has existing commitments and responsibilities, making changes more problematic.

Mid Life Crisis

The person is often faced with criticism or resistance from others who feel the impact of their changed behaviour – thus the person’s desires and actions are often trivialised. A midlife crisis is an attempt to restart or reclaim a lifestyle that fits more with individual choice and freedom.

It is common at this age for the person to have an affair (if in a relationship), buy a new car, quit a seemingly ok job or adopt new philosophies or belief systems. This can be challenging for others who feel uncomfortable with their seemingly ‘bizarre behaviour’.

What if the concept of mid life crisis was a myth, highlighting the inability of others (possibly the sufferer too) to accept the real dilemma faced? It could be an excuse for not fully taking responsibility for one’s choices?

The belief that ‘all will return to normal once the crisis passes’ minimises our uniqueness and limits how we explore life’s choices. This is not to minimise the suffering of the individual or those affected by it – but by being prepared to ask questions without assumed ‘one size fits all’ answers, you have greater opportunity to live a rich and authentic life.

The alternative is to deny real responsibility for this precious commodity called ‘your life‘.