Relationship Problems – what’s really going on?

Relationship counselling is often sought when a relationship breaks down. Relationship problems happen for a variety of reasons but invariably a couple reach an impasse where their shared vision of a future no longer exists.  Communication difficulties are often the cause of one or either partner wondering how things can go from 'seemingly good' to 'intolerable'.  If each individual is not able to communicate their needs to each other whilst anticipating the other's needs, then each partner is living in a inauthentic situation where each is second guessing what is going on. 

Myths or unquestioned assumptions often prevail in relationships, identified by phrases like

• you should do this
• that's what couples do
• it's only reasonable to expect someone to do this

In relationships, assumptions are often made through the veil of our own perceptions and when our partner doesn't act in accordance with them, we often feel let down or cheated when in fact it was our own fantasy of what they were like or how we think they should behave.  Good communication occurs when each individual is able to identify and communicate what they want to convey whilst at the same time exploring real meanings behind what their partner is saying.

Each partner has different strategies for coping with relationship difficulties.  Often one partner closes down, refusing to speak to the other other until they are clear in their own mind what they think.  If this need for temporary silence is not communicated, the other becomes angry or frustrated and the situation gets worse.  Relationship difficulties present an opportunity for 'breakthrough' or 'breakdown'.  Seeking the help of a skilled facilitator can get people beyond the impasse towards creating a relationship that is truly enriching and supportive – whether it is with one's existing partner or one in the future.

Personality Differences in Relationships

Personality differences in relationships can cause enormous challenges if the partners don’t take time to understand each other’s perspective.  But what exactly is ‘Personality?’  Personality is the name given to the consistency of one’s behaviour, attitudes, orientation and way of looking at the world – over time and situations.  Contrary to public opinion, ‘personality’ isn’t something we have or don’t – but it is something that makes us recognisable over time and situation.

There are many personality differences and psychologists have developed many personality measures to try and assess the type and extent them. One major measure is one of extroversion or introversion.  Extroversion doesn’t exactly mean the person is a socialite – nor the introvert unfriendly.  It refers to where people get their energy from – the extrovert tends to obtain their energy and inspiration from others or interactions whereas the introvert goes inside to work through things before sharing them with the world.

These and other personality dimensions, if not identified and understood, cause frustration and misunderstanding in relationships.  Couples counselling is a good way to identify the different ways in which different personalities process information and thus not react in ways that their partners might misinterpret.

Ending a Relationship

Ending a relationship can be difficult, regardless of whether you are the person negotiating the break or the one who feels abandoned and wishing the relationship would continue.  Relationships are bound together by many strands and walking away from a shared journey, particularly if that relationship has been long, involved partners facing difficult challenges or raising children, requires major re-adjustment.

If one partner is leaving for someone else, it can cause enormous strain on the new relationship especially where children from the old union are involved or where the ex-partner finds it very difficult to work through the separation.  Often, despite a new relationship, the leaving partner may often experience periods of regret, a desire to run back to the family home or even resent the new partner.

Whatever your situation, acknowledge that you are going through major change, emotions will be complex and it is important to find a way to process this change and not allow the associated anxiety and panic to deteriorate into depression or further ill health.