Ending a Relationship

Ending a relationship can be difficult, regardless of whether you are the person negotiating the break or the one who feels abandoned and wishing the relationship would continue.  Relationships are bound together by many strands and walking away from a shared journey, particularly if that relationship has been long, involved partners facing difficult challenges or raising children, requires major re-adjustment.

If one partner is leaving for someone else, it can cause enormous strain on the new relationship especially where children from the old union are involved or where the ex-partner finds it very difficult to work through the separation.  Often, despite a new relationship, the leaving partner may often experience periods of regret, a desire to run back to the family home or even resent the new partner.

Whatever your situation, acknowledge that you are going through major change, emotions will be complex and it is important to find a way to process this change and not allow the associated anxiety and panic to deteriorate into depression or further ill health.

Relationship breaking up?

Relationship break ups occur for many reasons but almost invariably occurs when communication has broken down to the point when the parties are unable to convey what they mean and have it understood, and be able to understand or accept their partner’s perspective.   Romantic relationships are particularly prone to myths – unquestioned assumptions and expectations of how you want ‘your relationship’ to be.  When your partner or your life with them doesn’t turn out how you have expected, it can cause alarm, criticism, blame and disappointment.

Your relationship is unique.  You and your partner are unique and your interaction is unique. Applying socially or culturally defined expectations of how your relationship should be, only serves to disappoint the participants.  You have to choose what you each want – even if some of those things reflect what we believe other relationships have – much of this is myth and fantasy – the belief in the ‘normal’ relationship.  When you only see your partner through those myths, you take the risk of not seeing the person – instead, a projection of your stereotypes of what they should be.  The road to recovery or resolution can be to ’see’  the other and yourself with ‘fresh eyes’.  i.e. the unique individuals you are.

Toxic Relationships – How To Recognise Them

Relationships that exist within  cycle of negativity, blame, criticism and possession of one or both partners become toxic relationships.  The negativity grows as one or both partners experience a self-loathing and diminishing self-esteem as they repeatedly try to break the cycle and yet fail.  Self-blame results as they become angry with themselves for allowing such treatment and yet being in the relationship is almost like an addiction.

Understanding the unconscious as well as the conscious beliefs and triggers that keep you in such relationships is essential if you are going to break the cycle.  It is not sufficient to logically try to sort this out since it is the emotional connections that need to be understood and this is where counselling is invaluable in throwing light on what is really going on.