Relationship breaking up?

Relationship break ups occur for many reasons but almost invariably occurs when communication has broken down to the point when the parties are unable to convey what they mean and have it understood, and be able to understand or accept their partner’s perspective.   Romantic relationships are particularly prone to myths – unquestioned assumptions and expectations of how you want ‘your relationship’ to be.  When your partner or your life with them doesn’t turn out how you have expected, it can cause alarm, criticism, blame and disappointment.

Your relationship is unique.  You and your partner are unique and your interaction is unique. Applying socially or culturally defined expectations of how your relationship should be, only serves to disappoint the participants.  You have to choose what you each want – even if some of those things reflect what we believe other relationships have – much of this is myth and fantasy – the belief in the ‘normal’ relationship.  When you only see your partner through those myths, you take the risk of not seeing the person – instead, a projection of your stereotypes of what they should be.  The road to recovery or resolution can be to ’see’  the other and yourself with ‘fresh eyes’.  i.e. the unique individuals you are.

Toxic Relationships – How To Recognise Them

Relationships that exist within  cycle of negativity, blame, criticism and possession of one or both partners become toxic relationships.  The negativity grows as one or both partners experience a self-loathing and diminishing self-esteem as they repeatedly try to break the cycle and yet fail.  Self-blame results as they become angry with themselves for allowing such treatment and yet being in the relationship is almost like an addiction.

Understanding the unconscious as well as the conscious beliefs and triggers that keep you in such relationships is essential if you are going to break the cycle.  It is not sufficient to logically try to sort this out since it is the emotional connections that need to be understood and this is where counselling is invaluable in throwing light on what is really going on.

Breaking Up – Relationship Advice

Breaking up is hard to do – as the song goes.  Complex feelings, thoughts and experiences accompany a break-up.  These need to be made sense of since much of the yo-yo-ing that occurs in relationships is due to fear, panic and lack of trust in yourself about what is the best thing for you.  In long-term relationships it can be hard to break-up since there seems to be so much investment – and yet the relationship may be negative for both parties and result in resentment and blame.  Irrespective of the time involved, breaking up when one partner would prefer the relationship to continue, can be very challenging.  The person leaving often feels guilty and resentful and the one being left feels abandoned, angry and fearful of the future.

How do you navigate your break – up? Whether you desire it or not?  Remember one thing.  There was a time when you didn’t know your partner. You lived and experienced ‘you’ as ‘in the world’ without them.  Stop and remember this.  In other words, there is a ‘you’ separate from your partner – and many of other people of course that you once didn’t know – and you existed without them.  It is this ‘you’ that you want to make a very close relationship with at this time.

Seeking help to help you rediscover ‘you’ is essential – whether in the form of self-help books or groups, time out or counselling.  You can become empowered to create a good life – with or without – your existing partner.  You will also be a wonderful example to others – including your children – of taking responsibility for your life and not becoming a victim of circumstances.