Breaking up is hard to do – as the song goes. Complex feelings, thoughts and experiences accompany a break-up. These need to be made sense of since much of the yo-yo-ing that occurs in relationships is due to fear, panic and lack of trust in yourself about what is the best thing for you. In long-term relationships it can be hard to break-up since there seems to be so much investment – and yet the relationship may be negative for both parties and result in resentment and blame. Irrespective of the time involved, breaking up when one partner would prefer the relationship to continue, can be very challenging. The person leaving often feels guilty and resentful and the one being left feels abandoned, angry and fearful of the future.
How do you navigate your break – up? Whether you desire it or not? Remember one thing. There was a time when you didn’t know your partner. You lived and experienced ‘you’ as ‘in the world’ without them. Stop and remember this. In other words, there is a ‘you’ separate from your partner – and many of other people of course that you once didn’t know – and you existed without them. It is this ‘you’ that you want to make a very close relationship with at this time.
Seeking help to help you rediscover ‘you’ is essential – whether in the form of self-help books or groups, time out or counselling. You can become empowered to create a good life – with or without – your existing partner. You will also be a wonderful example to others – including your children – of taking responsibility for your life and not becoming a victim of circumstances.
Many people are heard to say ‘I am in a personal relationship with someone who I love but I know they are bad for me. I keep trying to get out but keep coming back. Nothing changes and yet I can’t seem to let go’.
This happens in intimate sexual relationships but also with friends, acquaintances or family members. Intimate relationships are the ones which often cause the most distress, since we hold so many myths of what we ’should’, ‘must’ or ‘ought’ to have in terms of romance or where we should be believe we should be ‘going’ in our lives.
Logically, you may know that a certain relationship is not good for you. Emotionally, you just can’t seem to break away – and if you do, the pain is too great to stay away. This yo-yo-ing only lowers your self-esteem and results in you lowering your standards of how you wish and know you want to be treated. Identifying and removing the emotional blocks that keep you in this pattern can not only be liberating but open your path to create relationships with people that are truly nurturing for you.
Valentines Day is the time when people pluck up the courage to ask something they like for a date. This often causes anxiety as they fear rejection. The fear of rejection might be so great that they end up not asking for that date. However, Rejection is a Myth. Think about this. Someone fears asking another person out for a date or directly giving them a Valentines Card or Gift in the hope of them indicating their interest. Before asking for the date, they have lived without doing this, so even if someone turns them down, they still don’t have it. In reality, nothing has changed. However, what has the potential for change is the story they attach to the denial of their request. If they ending up saying ‘I am no good, I will never find a partner and I am unattractive’, they create this.
Don’t give away your power to fears that don’t exist – there is nothing to lose and a lot to gain by asking for what you want. If you fear being able to handle any feelings of rejection that result, invest in yourself this Valentines Day and seek counselling to remove this once and for all.
Relationships | clare | 
February 24, 2010 8:45 am | 
Comments (6) 
Subscribe