How To Say No

Enormous numbers of people find it hard to say ‘no’, causing stress and diminished self-esteem and disempowerment. Clare Mann highlights the negative implications of not saying ‘no’, together with tips and techniques for becoming more assertive and truthful in our interactions.

Abuse Issues

Abuse issues affect a person’s life long after the initial trauma is passed.  Abuse occurs in many forms – physical, sexual, psychological, emotional and financial.  Abuse occurs when someone deliberately and illegally or unfairly uses their power to impose pain on another person without their permission.  When abuse occurs within childhood, it is extremely difficult for a child to deal with the abuse at the time.  They belong to the family and have to be connected for their survival – they may feel disloyal or have been threatened not to tell anyone – This creates an intolerable situation for a child who has no way out.

Abuse in adult life is also an extremely painful cycle and self-esteem, feelings of self-worth and ability to escape the cycle become very difficult.  All abuse leaves scars – it is important to process these painful emotions so the wounds don’t keep erupting or that you end up attracting similar situations unconsciously.  Counselling is a confidential and safe way to work through your pain and create a better life.

Anxiety – friend or foe?

Anxiety presents itself in different forms.  There is the anxiety you feel before a job interview, making a presentation or having a difficult conversation.  You might even welcome or accommodate it, believing that it is helpful in energising and focusing you.  However, anxiety might become so overwhelming that it is interferes with uour normal ability to function on a daily basis.  Even simple tasks like getting out of bed, preparing food,  or caring for your children seems insurmountable.  When this happens, you might feel useless, anxious and fearful that you may never overcome your difficulties.  Self-esteem plummets and you become caught in a cycle of self-deprecation and negativity.  This can happen to anyone – one day you are functioning effectively, e.g. holding down a senior position and directing others and, following a major life change like redundancy or death in the family, you are unable to even get out of bed.

What can you do?  Firstly, recognise that becoming caught in the grip of anxiety following stressful life events can immobilise anyone.  There is no need to pathologise yourself, believing that you must be mentally ill, weak or deficient.  Having a supportive partner, family member or friend can be one of the most important factors in enabling you to navigate the difficult feelings that accompany anxiety.  Your anxiety might be so severe that you experience what is known as a Panic Attack – a crippling sense of emotional and physical fear, accompanied by a sense of losing complete control.  Ironically, a panic attack, despite the experience of losing control, is a way of ‘getting back in control’.  It will pass – what follows, however, is the fear that it will happen again – maybe in a public place or in-front of people you would prefer never to see you like this.

Anxiety, if not treated, can become chronic – so debilitating that even the simplest of daily activities like maintaining personal hygiene, eating or conversing are interfered with over a long time.  Thus, if you experience a level of anxiety that is regular, immobilising and prolonged – without any reasonable external reason – then seeking a skilled psychologist can be invaluable. A psychologist can help you examine the underlying causes of your distress and encourage you to look even further to understand the nature of your anxiety.  Everyday anxiety might point to a deeper sense of dis-ease which is existential in nature about who you are and the choices you face in living a rich and meaningful life.